No problem

No health benefits

No life insurance

No medical, no funeral

No problem.


Future not sure

Tomorrow not a-glow

Fate not charted

Not a problem.


Living by the day.

Living today

Not yesterday

Not a problem any day

Para kay Ing

Dearest Ing, 

Pasensya ka na kung hindi ko masabi sayo ito ng personal. Pasensya ka na kung idadaan ko sa blog, ipopost sa Facebook at mababasa ng marami. Pasensya ka na kung masasaktan kita sa kung anumang isusulat ko.

Pasensya ka na kung napasigaw ako kanina. Hindi nga ako tiyak kung sigaw o basta napataas ang boses para lang sa 100 pesos na hinihingi mo. Pasensya na kung naglitanya ako, kung nagalit ako, kung marami pa akong sinabi. Pasensya ka nung nasaktan kita sa mga nasabi ko kanina.

Pasensya ka nang kung minsan ay hindi kita pinapansin, hindi na lang kita tinitingnan. Pasensya ka na kung minsan ay ayaw na lang kita pakialam, kung sinasabi ko sa sariling bahala ka na sa buhay mo. Pasensya ka na kung minsan tinitikis kita, hindi ako nag-iiwan ng pagkain o walang almusal. Pasensya ka na kung minsan kapag nakikita kita ay umiinit ang ulo ko o nasisira ang araw; dahilan kung bakit laging wala ako sa bahay.

Pasensya ka na, Ing. Pagod na ang Kuya mo Ing. Pagod na ako. Pagod na akong hintayin kang magbagong buhay. Pagod na akong isipin kung nasaan ka sa madaling araw o kung anong ginagawa mo sa buhay mo. Pagod na  akong magtanong, magtaka o mag-alala. Pagod na akong isipin kung anong mangyayari sa iyo sa buhay mo, kung paano ka pag nawala na ako. At hindi ako nagbibiro, maaaring mawala na ako nang hindi nyo mamamalayan.

Pero may isang bagay na hindi ko kakapaguran: ang mahalin ka Ing.

Araw-araw kitang minamahal Ing kaya araw araw din akong nagagalit. Araw araw kita minamahal kaya araw-araw din akong nagdarasal na sana mapagod ka na rin Ing. Mapagod ka na sa ganyang buhay. Mapagod ka na sa bisyo. Mapagod ka na sa puyat. Mapagod ka na sa mga kalokohan, mapagod ka na sa mga taong walang kabutihan dulot sayo. Mapagod ka nang manisi ng ibang tao, mapagod ka nang magalit sa mundo.

Mapagod ka na Ing at magbagong buhay.

Pasensya ka na, Ing. Pagod lang ang Kuya mo.

F-Buddy

I loved him.

But he was never mine.

A married man.

A bisexual in denial.

A certified asshole.

But I loved him.

I listened to his angst.

I absorbed all his anxieties.

I sucked his arrogance.

Still, I loved him.

He used me as his diversion.

He made me his distraction.

He screwed me into destruction.

After all, I loved him.

We were friends.

We were never lovers.

We were just f-buddies.

But hey, I loved him.

I loved him.

He was never mine.

I love him.

He will never love me back. 

Pila sa Yoga

Napost ko dati sa status ko sa FB na isa sa pinaka ayoko ay yung mga taong di marunong pumila. Maraming ganyan. At kadalasan, sila pa yung nakapag-tapos sa kolehiyo, mga professional, may titulo, mayaman. Display of arrogance ika nga. A case of entitlement sabi ng iba. Kahit ano pang itawag dyan, isang malaking kabastusan sa akin ang hindi pagsunod sa pila.

Pero dahil nagyoyoga ako at kung maari ay puro good, positive vibes ang pairalin, deadma ako minsan. Pinapalampas ko na lang. Pinapractice ang patience at yun nga yung peaceful halo na bumabalot sa aking pagkatao. Minsan dinadaan ko sa huni. Sa look to the sky. O kaya simpleng dirty finger at pabulong na nyeta.O kaya binibigyan ko ng matinding staredown at tapos smile na parang si Aby Marano ng DLSU Lady Spikers. Afterwards, wala na.

Ironically, sa yoga pa ako nakaramdam ng bad vibes dahil sa mga taong di marunong sumunod sa regulasyon.

Actually, iilan lang naman sila. Pero matitindi ang kapal ng mukha.

Nung wala pang registration before class, inaagahan ko talaga ang punta sa gym para makapaglatag na ng mat at makareserve ng space. Unahan eh. Pero may mga babaing sadyang arogante.

Yung isa walo nirereserve. Tigas ng mukha.

Yung isa may sariling pwesto, hindi raw pwedeng agawin dahil pwesto nya yun.

Yung iba nag-aaaway talaga. Walang ka-class class. Yung iba, akala mo naman kung sinong may class kung makaasta. Parang kanila ang yoga studio.

Minsan natanggalan na ako ng mat ng isang babae. Smile lang ako. Pwede naman ako sa ibang pwesto.

Yung isa sinabihan ako, nabili ko na ba raw pwesto ko at lagi ako dun. Sagot ko, with my Kim Chui giggling smile, 2 hours before the class e dumadating na ako para magpunas-punas ng sahig at maglagay ng mat. Nagsalita ang lola, give chance to others! The nerve. Pero deama pa rin ako, matanda eh.

Until finally, para wala nang away at agawan. nagkaroon ng regulasyon na you have to register one hour before the yoga session (naging confusing nung una, pero ganun naman talaga kapag may bagong policy).

Ayaw ng mga hitad. Yung isa nagcancel ng membership. Yung isa nagtalak nang nagtalak (isa sa mga bruha na nagbully sa akin ng bago pa lang ako sa yoga, akala mo kagandahan, tse!). Yung iba wagas magreklamo.

Pipila lang kayo, magreregister lang, mga nyetang paksyetano ba mahirap dun?

Two weeks ago, aga ko para sa  class. Wala pang one hour before the class kaya di pa open ang registration. Dahil good vibes, sumunod ako sa policy. Pila ako to wait.

Aba may hitad na dumating, kinuha ang floor plan at nagregister. Inunahan na nga ako, sumingit na nga, WALONG MAT SLOT PA ANG NIREGISTER. Kapal mo Teh. Smile lang ako. Nung turn ko na, sinulatan ko yung papel, ISA-ISA LANG PO REGISTRATION. With smiley at heart pa. Ganun kasweet. Sana nga, may Hello Kitty stamp pa, hindi ko lang dala.

Last week, naulit uli. Ang babaing matigas ang mukha.

Ganun uli scenario, hintay ako sa reception para sa pagbubukas ng registration. Dumating ang babaing matigas ang mukha. Kinuha ang papel. Sinabi ng reception na may pila at nauna ako. Wala siyang pakialam, nagregister pa rin. AT HINDI LANG ISANG MAT, TATLO.

Ito pa, habang nagsusulat, tumingin pa siya sa akin habang ngumunguya ng chewing gum. Parang nakakalaki ang babaing matigas ang mukha.

Ganun uli, sumulat uli ako ng ISA-ISA...pero wala nang puso at smiley. Kung pwede nga kabitan ng dirty finger e nilagyan ko.

May pag-asa pa ba ang mga taong ito? Ewan ko. Basta alam ko, good vibes lang ako.

Nyeta.  

Boyfriend

I am turning 47 in September. And I never had a boyfriend since birth.

I am stating it as a matter-of-fact, not a whine or a complaint, not a gripe or as a wish.I just thought of saying it and putting on  paper (figuratively and on digital space).

Actually, I didn't mind. I don't really mind. But suddenly I felt this thing --- not longing, not regretting, not feeling lonely or something --- just this thing I cannot really describe. Again, I am not sad for never having a boyfriend or for passing up on the chances to have one. It is just that...

I think I better tell you the truth.

Two occasions. One, birthday. Aki, a guy friend suddenly popped this to my face: Hindi ka ba naiinggit? Marami siyang kaibigang lalaki, kasi nagpapainom siya, kaya lagi siyang may nakakasama... I was dumbfounded. Aki was referring to my brother (to followers of my blog, my sister Claudine) who that time was surrounded by boys (it was his birthday anyway). I knew what Aki meant. And Aki knew I was offended. He backtracked. Sabagay di mo naman kailangan...  

Yes, Aki. I don't need drinking buddies. Heck, I don't need a man.

Two, I asked a friend about another friend who's leaving Manila to work abroad. Giving too much info, he narrated, Nagpadespidida nga, hindi ka nagpunta, nagpunta kapatid mo kasama niya boyfriend niya. Oooops, now a boyfriend. My brother ( my sister Claudine) has a boyfriend. Suddenly this weird feeling.

Yes, this weird feeling. Heck, my brother has a boyfriend and I never had one in my entire life. 

I am turning 47 in September and I never had a boyfriend.

(Can someone please send me a big hug?)

Colors in the Rainbow

Two Saturdays ago, I had a drink with three straight male friends; let us just call them Jack, Henny and Empy. I am out and open to them; Jack’s a neighbor and we know each other since we were kids, Henny and I were used to be ‘partners’ until I chickened out because I was frightened of the word commitment, and Empy was a former crush but now he’s one of the sweetest guy friends I have ever had.

Normal in drinking sessions, we talked about a lot of things, from the absurd to mundane, from sublime to trivial. Until the focus of discussion shifted on me: Me being gay, Me being single forever, Me being myself. It was like on being on the hot seat and I love it. I am used to it, being asked and being scrutinized. Honestly, I feel comfortable with straight males who are likewise comfortable being with me. I can be open about my feelings and sharing my experiences; and they can be receptive and attentive.

Of course, it’s bound to be asked: sex. They told me that they heard words like top, bottom or versa from other bi’s they know but didn’t really understand them. They want me to enlighten them on gay sex.

For me, those are just labels. And I don’t believe in labels. Love and sex transcend gender and labels. But for the sake of discussion I had to explain. I likened the terms to a partnership. Top is the Man of the House, the Actor or Provider, The Giver, the tougher guy. Jack quipped, sa sex, siya yung tagatira --- so much for euphemisms. Bottom is the Submissive One, the Woman, the Receiver, the Follower. Henny was quick, ‘aaahhh siya yung tinitira’, kaya bottom nasa ilalim’ . and Versa is versatile and flexible. Empy saw the analogy, ‘tumitira at nagpapatira.’

Top, Bottom, Versa are some of colors of the ever-expanding prism of the gay rainbow. There are Bi, Discreet, Closeted. They sound the same but very different in orientation; Bi would have heterosexual relationships and be happy to do it with a boy or a girl. Discreet knows what he wants but doesn’t flaunt it openly; he tries to ask masculine if the situation calls for it but would lay down his cape when he’s with closest friends. Closeted has a problem with acceptance so he has to hide and suppress his true color.

There are new ones: Buffla which means ‘buffed na bakla’  and they are the growing breed today; you see them at Fitness First or Elorde’s, you see them at Eastwood or Greenbelt and you see them watching UAAP or UFC matches. Carabuena stands for gays with egos directly proportional with their huge waistlines, translation: aroganteng baklang mataba. Daddy are gays having midlife crisis, happily married with kids and yet, tambay sa mga spa. Service are gays acting like boys to service old people or gullible gays in exchange of cash.

Of course, marami pa --- transsexuals, transgenders, baklang parlor, baklang bato, bading, jokla, sireyna, etc. We are called different names actually, we are labeled with derogatory terms. And even at this time and age, we are discriminated --- whatever color we may have. Basta bakla, period.

But the worst discrimination and rejection really comes within and among us. Gay rejecting another gay; Top looking down on a Open and Out; Buffla making fun of trannies or Carabuenas; Closeted despising a Baklang Parlor. You get the drift.

We have different colors, some true, some not. Some shaded, some jaded. In the gay rainbow, the colors are not always happy and bright.  

Walang katapusang paalam

Parang hindi yata matatapos ang dalamhati. Nangangalalahati pa lamang ang taon ay napakarami nang kaibigan ang namatay o namatayan. Dinadaan na nga lang namin sa biro ang mga sakit. Sabi namin 'quota' na ang mga luha. Sabi namin sana next month na lang yung iba at sunod-sunod na yung puyat dahil sa lamay. Mga mapapait na birong nangangahas takpan ang mas mapapait na pagpapaalam.

Hindi na nga yata matatapos ang pagpapaalam.

Noong Biyernes, ilang araw bago ang Piyesta saamin, si Tita Tina ang nagpaalam. Halos isang linggo lang ang pagitan kina Sis.Odette at sa kapatid ni Fr Edmund. Nagkita pa kami ni Tita Tina noong hapon bago siya sumakabilang-buhay. Niyakap ko pa siya. Lolokohin ko pa sana dahil tumataba siya at mukhang dinadaan sa pagkain ang kanyang dalamhati. Kamamatay lang din kasi ng kanyang sariling kapatid. dalawang buwan lang ang nakalipas, at ng kanyang asawa noong Oktubre ng nakaraang taon. Sunod-sunod na dagok, sunod-sunod na dalamahati. Pero kinagabihan nung Biyernes, siya naman ang sumunod.

Paalam Tita Tina...

---------------------------------

Kaninang umaga, pagkagaling ko sa Simbahan ay binalita ng aking kapatid na patay na raw si Tatay Nonoy niya. Inulit-ulit ko pa ang tanong 'sino?' 'Si Tatay Nonoy, patay na.'

Tuwing papasok ako ng umaga o pupunta sa yoga class, madadaanan ko si Mang Nonoy na nagkakape sa tapat ng kanilang bahay. Malayo pa lang nakangiti na, para bang inaabangan talaga ako. Pagkatapat ko sa kanila ay mauuna pa yung babati kahit matanda siya sa akin 'Good Morning Anthony'. Hindi ko siya maunahan,lagi siyang mabilis sa pagbati. Kahit nga nasa loob ng bahay yun at natanaw ako sa bintana, sisigaw pa rin yun mula sa loob ' Good Morning Anthony.'

Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya magiliw sa akin. Noong bata ako ay medyo takot ako sa kanya dahil malaki siyang tao na parang bouncer ang dating. Parang henchman o kanang kamay ng mga kontrabida sa pelikula. Para siyang gumawapo at medyo mas machong Bomber Moran. Kung ano-ano ang kuwento tungkol kay Mang Nonoy kaya medyo kinakatakutan yan o kinakaasaran.

Pero lahat ay nagbabago. Ang Panginoon ay gumagamit ng pamamaraan para ang isang tao ay magbago at maging tuwid. Sa tagal ng panahon naming magkapitbahay, malaki ang 'binait' ni Mang Nonoy. Kabaitang nakita ng kapatid ko kaya tawag niya dito Tatay Nonoy. Sinisita niya kapatid ko, nilalambing at kinukulit na parang anak na rin, pinapangaralan na parang tunay na ama. Maski ako, nagpapakita siya ng 'concern' sa akin. Anthony, wala kang dalang payong...baka abutan ka ng ulan.' 'Good Morning Anthony, ingat ka sa biyahe' Anthony, ang galing ng Lasalle mo.' Totoo yun, pati ang pagiging maka-Lasalle ko alam niya. Kaya pag nananalo ang LaSalle, inaabangan niya ako sa pagdaan at babatiin ako 'Congrats sa LaSalle mo!' At pag natatalo,  sasabihin niya ' Bawi na lang kayo next game...'

Wala nang Mang Nonoy na babati sa akin ng Good Morning.

Paalam Tatay Nonoy

-------------------------

Hindi na ito biro, pero sana 'ipahinga' naman kami sa dalamhati, sa pagluha at pagsasabi ng 'Paalam!'

     

Mga Tanong sa Panginoon

Kailanman ay hindi madaling tanggapin ang kamatayan.Kaya nga minsan, hindi tamang sabihin sa namatayan na 'at least nasa heaven na siya.' Dahil kahit alam nating kapiling na ng mahal nating yumao ang Panginoon, magtanong at magtatanong pa rin tayo: Bakit siya pa? Bakit mo siya kinuha agad? Bakit nangyari ito sa amin?

Maraming bakit. Maraming tanong.

Noong namatay si Tita Evelyn, nanay ni Fr. Jek, maraming tanong kung anong nangyari. Sa aking palagay, maski si Fr. Jek mismo nagtatanong sa Panginoon. Subali't sa bawa't Misa sa burol para kay Tita Evelyn, unti-unting nasasagot ang lahat. Nagtatanong tayo sa Panginoon dahil nagmamahal tayo,dahil sumasampalataya tayo. Dahil alam nating, sa lahat ng mga tanong, sa Panginoon lamang matatagpuan ang mga sagot.

Kagabi sa burol ni Tita Tina, nagbukas sa akin si Tita Trining kung gaano kasakit ang lahat.Maski ako nasasaktan para sa kanilang pamilya. Wala pang isang taon, tatlong mahal sa buhay ang nawala sa kanila. Paano mo yun haharapin? Paano mo yun tatanggapin? Mahirap sabihin na 'at least payapa na sila' bilang pakikiramay. Kasi alam mong yung naiwan ay hindi basta-basta maging payapa ang kalooban.

Sabi nga ni Tita Trining, pinanghihinaan na siya ng loob. Nagtatanong na siya sa Panginoon.

Marami siyang bakit. Marami siyang tanong.

Pero hind iibig sabihing nagtatanong tayo sa Panginoon tayo ay nagdududa na.  Bagama't marami tayong tanong, hindi nababawasan ang ating pananampalataya. Bakit hindi ako pumasa Lord, Bakit mo sa akin hindi binigay ang gusto ko? Bakit ako pa ang naalis? Bakit ako iniwan ng girlfriend ko? Bakit naghiwalay Mama at Papa ko? Bakit kami mahirap?

Bakit ang mga kapatid ko, Tonichi? Bakit nangyayayari ito sa amin?

Kaya tayo nagtatanong dahil nagmamahal tayo. Kaya natin tinatanong ang Panginoon dahil naniniwala tayo. Kaya marami tayong tanong dahil alam nating iisa lamang ang may sagot, iisa lang Ang Sagot. Si Hesus.





   

Gumagalera

Paborito ko ang Puerto Galera. Siguro nga dahil malapit lang, mura, at maganda pa rin ang dagat at ang mga paligid na island/diving spot.

Masarap sa Galera. Masarap uminom kahit tanghaling tapat. Masarap ang Mindoro Sling, hindi puwedeng tikman o subukan.Masarap lumangoy at sumisid, masarap ding magpamasahe sa tabing dagat. Masarap maglakad nang maglakad sabay ang pag-aura. Masarap ang mga pagkain, tipid tips na, busog ka pa talaga.

Maganda sa Galera. Sa umaga, sarap yakapin ng Haring Araw. Sa dapithapon, sarap hagkan ng Haring Araw sa kanyang paghimlay. Maganda sa pakiramdam yung medyo lasing ka habang lumulubog ang araw, hindi kailangan ng filter o phtoshop, pero nakakaganda talaga. At nakakagaan ng pakiramdam.

Masaya sa Galera. Maraming tao, pero depende sa perspektibo at sa gusto, ang maraming tao ang nagpapasaya dito. Paulit-ulit man ang firedance at ang mga live show, masaya pa rin, basta babaan mo lang expectations mo at i-loosen up ang trip mo. Again, tao pa rin ang nagpapasaya rito. Kung suplado ka, talagang makokornihan ka. Pero kung bukas ka sa lahat ng klaseng tao, magiging masaya ang stay mo sa Galera. Usap lang at tagay ayos na.Kung may kasamang landi, ayos pa rin.

Mapusok sa Galera. Maraming tukso. Pero ganun naman talaga yata epekto ng Galera sa karamihan ng mga naruon. Nakakataas ng libido. Mapalalaki, mapababae, mapapwede sa lalaki o sa babae, mapabading man --- walang kasarian ang kalandian. pero ito ay laro lamang, hanggang Galera lamang. Ewan ko kung epekto ng alak o ng libog o pareho, pakiramdam ko ako si Piolo Pascual. Nilalandi, nakikipaglandian. Nakilalaro, naglalaro. Pero kwidaw, nasusuka pa rin ako kapag babae na ang lumalandi sa akin.

Mahal ko ang Galera. At syempre, mahal ko rin ang mga kaibigan na kasama ko nung huling punta ko rito. salamat sa kanila, nakabalik ako sa Galera. Salamat sa kanila, naging mas masaya, masa masarap, mas maganda ang muling karanasan ko sa galera. At syempre sa gabi at madaling araw,  mas mapusok. Hehehe.

 
 

Ang Talinghaga ng Aling Mataba (The Parable of The Fat Lady)

Sa Barrio Tatlonghari, may isang babaing pakiramdam niya'y siya ay bukod na pinagpala. Kilala siyang matimtiman sa pagdarasal, malimit sa Simbahan, at mabait sa kanyang kapwa. Walang bahid ang kanyang pagkatao. Kaya sa kanyang mga pagbabahagi sa bible sharing, nagsesermon na lamang siya sa kanyang mga kasama. Malinis kasi ang kanyang budhi, walang kasalanan. Kundi nagsesermon, ang kanyang binabahagi na lamang ay buhay ng may buhay.

Buhay ng kanyang mga kasambahay na nag-agawan ng boyfriend, buhay ng kanyang tusong kapitbahay, buhay ng kanyang madamot na hipag, buhay ng kanyang mga kasamahan sa trabahong di naman namin kilala. Hindi niya ibabahagi ang nangyari sa kanyang mga anak, sa kanyang asawa, sa kanyang pamangkin o sa kanya mismo. Malinis kasi sila. Walang bahid, walang kasalanan, walang atraso kaninuman. Amen.

Hindi lamang buhay ng mga ordinaryong tao siya may kuwento, magaling din siyang magtagni at magbahagi ng buhay ng kanyang mga 'kaibigang' pari. Si Padre Ganito ay lasenggero ayon sa kanya. Si Paboritong Mons ay magarbo at magastos. Si Padre Kaedad ay mahilig sa kabayo at pangangabayo ng kung ano. Si Padre Guwapo ang nakabuntis kay  Binibini, si Padre Guwapo rin ay binabae. At hindi rin niya pinatawad ang nanay ng isa pang 'kaibigang' pari.

Marami raw siyang alam na anomalya. Si Kuwan nagpapatayo ng mansyon sa Bulacan, malakas kasing mangumisyon.. Si Kuwan 2 ganun din, sa Farview naman. Namatay daw si Pareng Isko dahil nangupit sa proyektong pinapagawa; lahat daw ng nagnakaw sa kaniyang Barrio ay patay na.

Siya ay buhay pa. Buhay na buhay. Bukod ngang pinagpala ang Aling Mataba.

Noong isang araw ay nagsermon uli ang Aling Mataba ---tungkol sa paglilingkod. Dapat daw nakatuon sa Panginoon, hindi sa pari.

Tama naman dun ang Aling Mataba. Yun nga lang isang talinghaga kung sino ba talaga ang panginoon ng Aling Mataba.

Dear Friendship Emy

Sa pagbuhos ng ulan
Sa haplos ng hangin
Alaala mo ay nakaukit
Sa pisngi ng langit

Sa iyong burol, may lamesa sa tabi ng iyong kanlungan kung saan may nakalagay na mga kulay pink na papel na korteng puso, may note na ‘PS I Love You’ at sabi ay maaari kaming gumawa ng sulat at ihulog lamang sa plastic box na katabi ng note. Isasama raw ang kulay na pink na papel na korteng puso sa iyong huling hantungan.

Friend, pasensya na, pero hindi kasya sa kulay pink na papel na korteng puso ang nais kong sabihin sa’yo.

Sa totoo lang, wala akong masabi sa iyong paglisan.

Kagabi noong kakaunti na lamang kami, tinitigan kita nang husto. Nakatatak sa isip at puso ko ang mga matatamis mong ngiti. Your beautiful smiling face. At yun ang nais kong baunin sa iyong paglisan, yun ang nais kong manatili sa aking diwa.

Friend, isa ka sa mga pinakakamahal ko sa ating Parokya. Katunayan, hindi mo man alam, isa ka sa nagpapalakas ng aking loob na manatiling maglingkod. Napakaraming pagkakataong nais kong sumuko at bumitaw pero kapag naiisip ko na may isang Emy na nagmamahal din sa akin, sumasasaya ako: ibang klaseng ‘good vibes’ ang dala ng iyong mga ngiti.

Mga ilang buwan bago ka lumisan, alam kong nabawasan ang ngiti mo Friend. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang iyong lungkot at depresyon. Minsan ayaw na lang natin pag-usapan. Dinadaan na lang natin sa pagsimba, pagkain ng pansit, at pag-inom ng kape sa kumbento. Dinadaan na lang natin sa ngiti, bagama’t may kulang; dinadaan na lang natin sa masayang kuwentuhan, bagama’t kahit di sinasadya, may namumuo pa ring luha sa ating mga mata. Kapag tungkol na sa pamilya, tungkol sa mga anak at apo, tungkol sa mga kapatid --- lumalamlam ang ngiti, pumapait pati ang kape, umaalaat pati pansit. Marami tayong hangarin, marami tayong pangarap para sa ating mga pamilya pero ang higit na mas gusto natin ay yung simpleng makausap at makapiling ang ating mga mahal sa buhay. Minsan, kahit sa piling ng ating mga kaibigan, hianahanap pa rin natin ang yakap at kalinga ng pamilya.

Friend, mananatili ang iyong mga ngiti sa akin. Nakaukit sa langit na aking tatanawin kapag pinaghihinaan muli ng loob. Nakatatak sa isipan upang sa mga panahon ng kalungkutan, ngiti mo ang aking alalahanin. Nakaguhit sa aking puso upang laging may ‘good vibes’, laging may nagmamahal, laging may yumayakap.    

Dear Friendship Emy, I will miss you. I love you.

Kung ang lahat ay may katapusan
Itong paglalakbay ay makakarating
Din sa paroroonan
At sa iyong paglisan
Ang tanging pabaon ko ay pag-ibig

Changes

The only thing constant in this world is not really change but FAITH.

A few weeks ago I posted a question on my Facebook status: how do you change religion? Not a few PM-ed and commented,some friends are concerned, some gave valuable pieces of advice, some reminded me it's not religion, it's not the institutional church that will lead me to salvation but FAITH.

For the record, I am not changing my religion. My Catholic faith is solid and steadfast. But yes, I have several questions on this Church where I belong; way past Vatican 2, way past 2000 years after Christ's resurrection, one would think that it hasn't really evolved or changed with the times.

But I will not dwell on that. I'd rather talk about my personal 'battle' - between me and myself. I have already forgotten about the incident that led me to the question: 'how do you change religion?' Until last Saturday, at the baptism reception of my friend's son.

A co-servant chided me about people in the parish not ready for 'changes'. She was talking about the activities for Lent. She was talking about people who asked questions about these 'changes'. Me included. And for asking questions, we are labelled 'not ready for change.' 

(I didn't want to argue with her, we were in a reception that welcomes a child  to the Christian world. Isn't it ironic?)

Those changes were exactly the premises of my questions. Why are we going back to 'everything centralized'? Whatever happened to BEC orientation? The reasons they gave for the 'changes' they are imposing  irked me: gusto naming itama yung mga ginagawa ng area, minsan tatlo lang sila, minsan naglalagay pa ng wish...minsan sila-sila lang, mali-mali pa. Gusto namin worship activity talaga...'

Onto the personal battle between me and myself I have this question: Is it me who is not ready for change, or we haven't really changed at all as a Church? 

Never Give Up

Like the universe connived or like the heavens sent some angels.

Sunday I was walking aimlessly at this mall. I originally planned to watch ‘Starting Over Again’ but the long queues made me turn my back. So I just went on walking and walking, without really knowing where to go. Suddenly a guy accidentally bumped me. He was very apologetic; I didn’t notice his pearly whites or his Ateneo twang. What I noticed was what’s written on the shirt he was wearing: NEVER GIVE UP.   

I shrugged him off to gesture that it’s okay and I went on walking. Less than five minutes, I saw another guy wearing a shirt with the same print: NEVER GIVE UP; different color, different style but same message.

I told myself if I would come across another person carrying the same text on his shirt, I would believe Somebody was sending a message. Right on the dot, I came across another guy, this time the shirt has the face of a famous wrestler, but the message printed was the same: NEVER GIVE UP.

In ten minutes, while walking like a zombie, I got a message from Somebody: NEVER GIVE UP.

I just thought of going home. But I remembered the reason why I was walking alone in that mall, I wanted to get away from home, it was where all my pains were coming from. Unsure, undecided, I just stood at the taxi bay. Suddenly, a cab stopped. Ridiculous but true, the name of the cab was, you guessed it right,  NEVER GIVE UP.

Home, when I turned on the TV, the first image I saw was the Milo commercial with Bea Lucero saying to a young gymnast: NEVER GIVE UP.

Ok, Lord, I got your message, loudly and clearly.

I am not giving up.

Guy Crushes

And so I was asked, who are my guy crushes? In this age of social network, of angry and flappy birds, of selfies and foodporn --- having a guy crush is like a status. It could be gone or get flooded in 10 seconds. You post-it to your mind but then again, you can forget about it. Then you will see the guy again, you'd remember, ah I got a crush on you, pare. 

So for being so game --- and so gay (as if you don't know that already) --- I will tell the whole social network who are my guy crushes. Here goes. No names, just images. And from here you'd see why I ogle.

A little game: The person who can tell the names of the guys below will get a pizza. (Not lower than five names, some are easy; the one with most number of correct names wins).

Guy-Crush

Is it normal for a man to admire another man? Yes. The operative word is admire; you admire a hero, you idolize a basketball player, you look up to an elder. So, it’s normal. Is it normal to get attracted to another man? Now that’s a different story. Attraction already involves emotions, bordering on desire, on the threshold of sexual knowledge.  Attraction, by law of science, is for unlike poles. But science by itself evolves; so with the state of man. Even the meaning of attraction may have changed; yet, feelings are still involved. Is it normal? Yes, a straight man can feel a degree of attraction to another man.

We call it a guy-crush.  You feel for a certain guy but it does not necessarily mean you want to bed him. You like his ripped abs, but it does not come to a point that you masturbate thinking of his abs. You are fascinated how he dresses but you don’t really get a hard on when he passes by. Dude, it is just a crush. Like what you had when you were in high school; yes, those things that brought pimples to your nose. Every guy, whether they admit or not, has that: a guy-crush.

Having a guy crush does not make you gay. Well, as long as you don’t really get wet dreams over him, the gaydar won’t alarm on you. A guy crush is someone you call Bro or Pre at the gym, but deep inside, you want to be like him. That’s okay. To be like him is far different from To be with him. A guy crush can make you smile when he approaches you to say hi. That’s perfectly alright, as long as you don’t get tickled pink by the gesture. But come to think of it, men don’t come to say hi or hello. So be careful, your guy crush might be the one who’s gay.

In order not to be mistaken that you are gay, make sure you follow some little rules on having a guy crush.

1. Do Not Stare at your Guy Crush. Unless you are having a direct, face to face to conversation with him, it would be foolish to gawk at him even from afar. Do not look at him for more than 0.5 seconds. More than that is already ogling, worse, salivating.

2. Stop sending those PMs on FB, stop liking all his IG posts; in other words, do not cyber-stalk him. Only perverts do that.

3.  Don’t Copycat Him. It’s just a crush, dude, stop acting like a Kim Chui fan. Don’t go to the barber shop and say, I want a Jake Cuenca haircut (I actually overheard someone said that). Don't copy his style, have your own.

4. Do Not Ask for His Number. Excuses like you’re an agent or something, that you are a talent scout, that you have this project. C’mon. Hayaan nyo na lang ang mga beki gumawa ng mga ganyan para-paraaan.

5. Do Not Invite Him for a Couple of Beers. Unless you’re really friends, what’s your agenda? Get him know better? Tandaan, ang baklang may balak, nagpapainom ng alak. So don’t. Unless, you’re ready to slip a secret that you are closeted.

6. Do Not Follow Him at the Sauna. You cannot tame something that naturally protrudes if stimulated, so be careful. It will be a very stiff and awkward situation.

7. If You Happen to be Friends with Him, Act Natural. Just don’t pinch his butt or his cheek. And please, do not call him Idol.

8.  Do Not Tell Him, or anybody. It’s not that you want to keep a secret sacred; it’s just something you don’t really talk about. Can you actually say this: pare crush kita, alam mo ba?

9. Do Not Expect Anything in Return. If you imagine yourself having a mutual admiration pact with him, it’s official, you’re so gay. Do not expect him to be nice to you; do not expect him to be friends with you; do not expect him to have a crush on you, too. If you do, bakla ka nga.

10. Lastly, a crush is a crush is a crush. Remember how you crashed a crush when you were in high school? You just squirted those pimples and that crush is gone. Meaning, it is fleeting. So, chill. You are not gay. Say it again. You are not gay. (If you are having lump on your throat saying this, then you are gay.)

Remember, this is just a guy-crush and you’re not being a quarter of an inch gay about it. If you’re secure about your masculinity, you would agree, it’s pretty normal. Just stick with the rules, ok?

Keeping the Faith

My aunt went to a university run by priests when she was in college. I was still in grade school that time. She almost always tagged me along wherever she went, to watch UAAP, to see a movie with her secret boyfriend, to have Halo-Halo in Little Quiapo --- almost everywhere --- including going to Church. One Sunday while waiting for her at our doorsteps, she peeked at the window and called me. Hindi na ako magsisimba. Maski kailan. I wondered why. Later I learned her secret boyfriend was molested by a priest, and that was her reason why she decided to stop hearing Masses. Since then, I went alone. But that didn’t take long really as one Saturday evening she asked me to wait for her the next day as she’d join me to attend Sunday Mass. Over Halo-halo I asked her after Mass why she decided to come back to the fold. ‘I am keeping the faith, no man, not even a priest, can destroy that.’

Years ago, I have a friend who shared to me that she was molested by a certain Bishop. I didn’t believe her; I just listened to her story which I thought was ‘wild.’ She told me it happened right at the office of the esteemed prelate. I wondered why she didn’t file a complaint. She said the man of cloth was powerful; any man of cloth is powerful. We went on with our lives and she seemed to have recovered of whatever trauma the abuse caused her. As promised, her secret which I didn’t really believe was safe with me. After several years, the Bishop was on newspapers, being accused by his office worker of sexual abuse. My friend called it justice finally served. I asked her over Mocha Frappe in Starbucks how come she didn’t renounce her faith for what has happened to her. ‘I am forever Catholic, no man, not even a bishop, can make me leave my faith.’

Perhaps, you have read or heard scandals about priests. Some swept under the rags, some talked about in hush-hush.  Some landed on papers, worse, some were on TV. Some of the priests involved we may personally know, some stories have actually happened around us. But still, we are staying on. We are keeping the faith.

I have friends who are priests or soon to be priests. Some of their priest-friends or colleagues have become my friends too and somehow, I have gone into their inner circle. But don’t expect me to know a lot of stories about them. I don’t know any scandals involving my priest-friends. I may have become close to them, but still, the high regard for them remains. I respect, love and trust my priest-friends.

There’s one priest hurting me now.  Not physically.  Spiritually. Mentally. Emotionally. He probably didn’t know the torment he has caused me. Perhaps, he is just like that, he is being himself. Yes, despite what he has done, I am the one finding a reason or an excuse for his actuations. Yes, in spite of him being himself, I still have a high regard to his faculties, to his stature as a priest.

Perhaps, after writing this, I will be alright. Blogging for me is an outlet, a therapy. Perhaps, after this, the priest won’t change or won’t even apologize. I am not going to ask for that really, but yes I can say, Father, I forgive you. Perhaps, he will stay that way and live up to his image. Perhaps, he will continue to ignore me or throw things in my presence. Perhaps, I just have to live to the fact that he’s in our parish.

One thing can only be sure: nothing will change. No man, not even a priest, can make me change my beliefs.

 I am keeping the faith.   

Ambon sa Tacloban

Noong 90’s, nagsulputan ang local band at talagang humataw. Pinangunahan ito ng paborito naming magkakapatid na Eraserheads. Isa pa sa mga bandang aking nagustuhan ay ang True Faith. Sa lahat ng naging kanta nila, itong Ambon ang aking pinakapaborito. Para kasing maganda siyang ikanta sa kaibigang namumorblema o sa kakilalang may pinagdadaanan.

Ano'ng nararamdaman

Tila ba'y nasasakupan

Lumbay at kalungkutan

Nais mo bang ika'y makaraos din

Refrain 1:

Di ba't pananampalataya

Kailangan upang makaahon

Sa delubyong iyong nararanasan

At sa kasawian na dulot ng panahon

Ambon lang yan (ahh)

Ambon lang yan (ahh)

Sa aking pakikipaghuntahan sa Tacloban --- dun kay Manong Tricycle Driver na natangayan ng bahay at pangkabuhayan, kay Eugene na hindi pa alam kung saan makakauha ng susunod na hapunan, dun sa magpuputong nag-iisa na lang sa buhay dahil namatay lahat ng kapamilya, dun kay Ate ng Dahil Sa Iyo eatery, dun kay Padre Edwin ng St. Anne Parish, dun sa Manang na nagrorosaryo sa Palo, Cathedral, dun sa Lolang nagtyatyagang bantayan ang puntod ng kanyang asawa sa harap ng San Joaquin Church --- ito ang aking nalaman: Ambon lang ang Yolanda.


Kalangitan ay umiitim

Naupos ang ilaw ng mga bituin

At sa paglipas ng oras ika'y napaiyak

Mga luhang tumulo buhat ng iyong pagtitimpi

Refrain 2:

Di ba't ang Diyos ang siyang liwanag

Sa dulo ng madilim na daan

Sa kanya lamang manalangin

At wag nang tumungo pa kung kahit saan-saan

Ambon lang yan (aaah) 

Ambon lang yan.

 Sa gitna ng matinding dagok, sa dami ng mga nasira at namatay; sa gitna ng mga nawala at nawalan, sa lakas ng hagupit, sa lupit ng hampas ng hangin at taas ng tubig na dumaluyong --- para sa kanila, ambon lang ang Yolanda.

Mas malakas pa rin ang kanilang pinagkakapitan. Mas matindi pa rin ang kanilang pananampalataya. Para sa mga may Diyos --- ambon lang ang Yolanda.

Tara na sa Tacloban, katumbas nito’y byaheng langit, kung saan sa Diyos lahat nakakapit.

Refrain 3:

Yayain mo ako sa yong jeepney

Sa makulay at magara mong jeepney

Na ang biyahe ay patungong langit

Kahit na signal no. 3, tayo ay magsisiawit

Kung ako'y sinusumpong,

daglian mong ibubulong

Ambon lang yan (ahh)

Ambon lang yan (ahh)

Push and Delete

After my thank you list, here are my wishes for 2014. Again, this is personal, all of me and for me. 

PUSH for Good Health. I will push for a health card and will re-assess my Philhealth. You will never know really. I brought someone in a hospital and saw myself that it was really horrible and difficult not to have an HMO.

DELETE negativity and toxicity. The biggest killers really are from within, what we store in our heart, what we keep in our mind, and what we really (and don’t) digest in our stomach.

PUSH for Fitness. It’s my only guilty pleasure, if you would call it one. It’s expensive to keep the membership but when I actually stopped for 3 months, I gained back massive weight and my core area grew back an island on its own.

DELETE extra-curricular activities. Actually, I have long given up hedonist lifestyle; you know, party-party, drink and be merry attitude. I won’t give up Jack Daniel’s though but promise to take it easy.

PUSH for Healthy Diet. I remember not eating rice for two years, not a single grain. No soda, no beer, no chocolates, no burger, no Starbucks, no ice cream. It was not healthy. Sure, I lost weight, even went down to 57k. But I also lost appetite, as in I puke every time would try to eat. It led me to mild depression. It made me grumpy and unhappy.

DELETE my passion for sweets. Ok, will keep my sweetness ala-Kathryn Bernardo but will TRY to stay away from Hershey’s, Reese’s, M&M’s and their cohorts.

PUSH for Juicing up, for Nilagang Saging, Kamote at Itlog, for Lean Meat and for Oatmeal. That was my secret before and will do it again.

DELETE deprivation. Won’t give in to unnecessary cravings but will not deprive self, sounds contradictory, but surely I will find ways or alternatives. Basta, no to deprivation. I can cheat and eat, everything in moderation and in correct pacing/timing.

PUSH for Happiness. It’s an endless pursuit as they say, but hey, it’s just ‘around the corner’, deep within us, all around us. I will make myself happier in 2014. I will have the courage to talk to my man-crush, I will watch more movies (in 2013, I think the only time I actually went to the mainstream cinema was during the MMFF for Kimmy Dora, I missed a lot!), I will have more time to smell the flowers and fly a kite. I will have more time for Nathan. I will fall in love to a real person. I will run, go to the beach (Puerto Galera, I super miss you), climb a mountain again, BIKE!, I will travel more (BATANES, VIETNAM, THAILAND --- WISH NGA EH!) I will DANCE AGAIN.

DELETE Negative Vibes. I have long deleted nega people on my FB account. Those arrogant, nosy stalkers and rumor mongers, I will delete them in my life. Those self-righteous, all-knowing, all-talk-do-nothing ‘church’ people, I will be Cory Aquino (stoic, icy, just praying the rosary in order not to notice that they still exist) to them.

PUSH for Kindness. As I pray for patience every praying time, I also wish that I will be a little kinder. Kinder to myself, kinder to my brothers and Titas, kinder to my neighbors. Kinder to strangers (huwag mo lang Ate i-flip yang hair mo sa face ko ha, baka i-push kita sa FX), kinder to women.

DELETE Hatred. It’s my advocacy to hate hate. No rejections, no discrimination, no bullying. No fighting on FB, no back-stabbing, no trash talking. No homophobia, no religious BS. No hate.   (To Kobe Bryant haters, may you rest in peace. You just have been deleted).

My Thank You List

I no longer remember the last time I wrote a full blog. Technically, it wasn’t even a blog because it was not virtually published. Meaning, I just pounded my keyboard to digitally make a journal but it didn’t see publication in any of my blogsites.

Moving forward, as we all look up and forward, onto year 2014, I am writing a blog (at this point, it is just a draft, hope I would get internet connection and have it ‘blogged’).

And the best way to start a new blogging year is to express gratitude. Yes, a thank you list.  This is personal but some of things and people I am thankful for may be not directly about me or for me.

Here goes:

1.    The Volunteers – they should be no. 1 in my own book of gratitude. From Zamboanga to Bohol to Leyte; from Sagip Kapamilya to Habitat for Humanity, from Oplan Hatid to Red Cross, from NGOs to private individuals.

2.    The Yolanda Survivors – I will never forget these words from a woman whose house was totally washed out, ‘tuloy pa rin ang buhay, iho; Salamat sa Diyos, buhay pa kami.’ Thank you for reminding me about true faith. Thank you for showing me how to be really thankful, despite and in spite of everything.

3.    The Family – I lost an uncle on a day an aunt returned home from the States. We were supposed to be rejoicing but we ended up grieving. Talking about perfect timing. Yes, it was the most perfect time to bond, to be strong for each other.

4.    The One Friend: Fr. Erik Adoviso – his short and simple text at the last hour of 2013 was an affirmation that I have at least one genuine friend.

5.    The First Nephew - Nathan is a walking light bulb. He brightens up the day, even at his worst tantrum fit. Barely 2 years old, he has mastered use of iPad and iPhone, both of which I don’t even have. A Jollibee addict, a Bossing fan and already a Barangay Ginebra supporter --- all of which I hate but won’t make me love him less.

6.    The DLSU Green Archers – they have to be on my list. It’s a great year and as Coach Juno said, the team is going to be better next (this) year. Indeed, greatness never ends for the Archers. Special mention to AVO. The guy is really gorgeous and he has tremendously improved as a player.

7.    The Unwavering Friendship – It is hard to be Tonichi Fernandez and it’s harder to put up with one Tonichi Fernandez. But thank God for the gift of friendship as people who matter in my life stayed on for me and, fingers crossed, would stay for and with me forever. Special mention to Nanay Becka, Tita Beth, Fr. Jek and Sis. Emy. With them, bawal ang sad. Thank you for making me smile and laugh. Thank you also to Drei Villar. Also to DLSU friends. Tita Vi, Tita Nympha, Tita Carol and Bar. Tito Ed, Tito Manny and Arvin. Bea and Camille. Cricket, Les and Pam. And yes, Tita Ginna Capistrano. Of course, Kris Aldover and Rich Ysmael. Krissy, you are an angel!

8.    The Partners – For me, they are not just officemates or colleagues. They are not just bosses or superiors. 2013 was so testy for me; career was not really that steady but hey, I managed to survive. I don’t know where 2014 will take me --- but like Kris Aquino, despite the ups and downs, I am not going anywhere. Thanks to Minell, AMF, Ms Beng, Bossing Miguel, Jackie, Miss Babes, Teenay, Manny, Isay, Ashley, Axcel. Thank you also to Anne Curtis, so pleasant to work with! I have to mention Larry, Jules, Mother Judith, Janet, Karen and the wonderful people of CDO and Bacolod. Pabalikin nyo na ako dyan!   

  

9.    The Social Network – Got reconnected with wonderful people like Michele Arandela, Cecil Santos and Jim Libiran, kept me always in touch with everybody

--- From Ireland to the States, from Dubai to Davao, from Sampaloc to Switzerland. Got crazy comments from Joel Pelayo, got prayers from Glad Adefuin, got hugs across the globe. Chatted with my man-crush, flirted with basketball players and hooked up with _________________. Thank you FB, Tumblr and IG.

10. My Brothers – I promised myself to be less dramatic in 2014, so no tears here, ok? Just thank you my brothers. I guess, over and above friends who put up with me, my brothers are those who are most patient with me. Thank you also to my sis-in-law Miles.

Lastly, I thank the Lord Jesus Christ. For everything, for every piece of me, for every second of my life --- a sinner like me doesn’t deserve all Your Love and Mercy, but You took me in Your Arms and gave me unlimited second chances.