Friday, December 12, 2008

find your angels

while on the net, background music was 'angels brought me here'. tis the season to be surrounded by angels. as they say, Christmas is for children and we are here to make it merrier for them. By saying children, we don't just mean our sons and daughters, nieces and nephews, godchildren or students... I mean, children with lesser things in life (or nothing at all except the shirts they are wearing). I mean the streetkids of Sampaloc and Aeta children of Barangay Diaz in Porac, Pampanga.

These kids are my angels and they surely brought me to a place where the true meaning of Christmas is found: our heart. In this heart we see our natural goodness, we just have to learn to nurture it well. If our hearts can only see that there are so many 'angels' needing our love.

On December 20, we will have this Christmas Party for 200 kids of Balic-Balic, Sampaloc, Manila. These kids are our 'students' in the various catechetical units in our Parish. These kids are mostly 'unschooled' and most definitely, 'unchurched'. As in they don't know Jesus Christ that much. So how can they celebrate Christmas without knowing the whole reason for the celebration? Thus, the weekly catechism. It's all about Him, Jesus Christ.

So far, so many friends have contributed for this party on the 20th. So many have responded to my request for toys and loot bags. Thank you very much to all of them but I also encourage all of them and all of you to PASS IT ON. Go, find your own angels. I'm sure nearby where you are living or working or studying, so many kids roaming around needing you. Embrace them, love them, make them closer to Jesus. And make yourself closer to Jesus.

It's not an easy task, I'm telling you. There will be doubts and people will misjudge you. People will question your intentions and will think you have hidden agenda. Despite of all these things, JUST DO IT. Just spread your wings and find your angels.

On December 21. I'm 'flying' to Porac, Pampanga to return to the Aeta community where I lived weeks ago. I'll be bringing little Christmas gifts to Aeta kids. But more than toys and dresses, I'll be sharing Christmas joy with them. This early, I can imagine their shrieks and giggles. This early, I anticipate their hugs and kisses. They will be singing songs, dancing 'low,low, low' (yes, they know that hiphop music!). They will be calling me Kuyaaaaaa! Ah, these angles of eate descent surely leave a big lump on my throat. They make me feel needed. They make me feel I'm an angel too.

Go ahead my friends, be an angel too. So many children are waiting for your love.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

living with aetas







breaking dawn last friday, we drove to porac pampanga to live with the aetas. our vehicle had to stop at villa maria resettlement chapel and we had to trek two mountains to reach barangay diaz, where the 'unadulterated' minorities dwell.






it wasnt an easy trek. while there was a helpful trail and guided by some natives, we were in for a rough and tough hike. we scaled, we skidded, we slumped. we fell, we crossed swamps and rivers. we cleared some pathways, we had to bear insect stings. we passed natural tunnels and manmade barricades. more than any obstacle, we needed to surpass our physical strength to make it.






the most difficult climb was the way to the top, where barangay diaz is situated. every inch became steeper, every step more challenging. when we thought we saw signs of the community, it was a mere case of 'so near yet so far' mirage. when we thought we heard giggles of kids making fun of us, they were birds actually, chirping enough jeers to wobble our knees.






i was panting like an old horse. a very old horse. my training in preparation for this hike was gone in the wind. i stuck my tongue like giving up already but the sight of a nipa hut confirmed it was no longer a mirage. i wasn't in desert of nowhere after all, i was in a verdant rainforest, all set to the summit.






when finally the nipa hut was clear to my view, i knew we were just more or less five hundred dreaded steps away. but each step was miserable. like you wish you were clark kent. or you didn't join the trip at all. but hey, no giving up, there's the sign of life already. the birds chirping were replaced by kids cheering.






i was among the first ones to reach barangay diaz. enough for us to call ouselves the pump squad. and you know what was the first thing we saw when we reached the gateway to the aeta community? a basketball court. yes, even aetas can jump and play ball. hmm, sounds interesting, basketball match with aetas!






the kids hug us like we were brothers. but yes, in the eyes of the Lord, we are equal. yes, we are brothers. we hug them back like we pump squad was being pepped for a big basketball game. indeed, it could be the biggest game of our life: living with aetas.






up there was baguio times twenty. very, very cold. but the smiles of aetas were warmer than the Sahara sun. they get to you not to scorch you but to make you feel home. it was home sweet home for an adventurous manila boy.






we were there for a purpose. aside from immersing into aeta life, we were there to start the chapel we want to build for the long forgotten aeta community in barangay diaz. there were so many homes and families there, and each one of us got a foster family. my foster parents were kuya robert and ate mariel. i refused to call them tatay and nanay because i thought they just a young couple. young couple with eight children. beat that. i lived in their modest abode. for aetas, i was lucky to be living in kuya robert's palace, it was one the biggest there was. hmmm, i will leave it your imagination how big is big for aetas. just a sampler, some homes have no walls, no ceilings, literally speaking.






no electricity, no bath, no water. they had to fetch water from spring 15 kilometers down. just imagine how we held dear the bottled water we brought all the way from manila. like a prized possession; you wouldn't want to waste a drop.






i ate whatever they had for lunch, dinner, breakfast. this is part of the whole immersion program. it wasn't a fear factor challenge, but a 'real' reality show. praise the Lord I was a salad-freak. I eat greens like a goat. And up there, were so many goats. I nourished like a goat for the longest two days of my life. I was so tempted to ask for goat.






in the morning, we started clearing the ground for the construction site. and what a sight it was. young students, all barely 15-16 started digging....






Monday, November 24, 2008

Gifts of God

last friday, i attended a book launch organized by omflit. it's for gifts of grace book 3. the book is all about people who have touched the author's life and how these people have become 'gifts' to her. at the end of the launch, the guests were asked 'have you thought of people as grace from God?' 'who are these people who have become gifts to your life?'.

starting today, i pay homage to these people who are all grace from the Lord. They are my gifts, my treasures. I am writing a series of stories, snippets about them. this will be in 'installment basis' and hope, somehow, you will be inspired to do the same.

as a preview, i will give you a rundown of these people who have touched and changed my life, one way or another. here goes:

my friend chu. 'how well do you know chu?' i was asked. that questioned floored me and left me speechless. i didn't know that question came as an intrigue. then I learned that Chu at that time was subject of an ugly rumor. and that question was sort of a loyalty check. whose side i was, was the better question. but still i answered that with this: not that well but more than enough. i may not know her sss number, where she graduated, how many boyfriends she had, what's her favorite color... all i know was, she was a friend. and thank God, until now, we are still friends.

my shock-absorber melvic. i must be an intrigue-magnet. here's another special friend who became a subject of a very nasty rumor. hers was more high-tech. she was tiraded through the internet. cyber-assasination as they say. believe it or not, this thing again tested our friendship. but at this point, melvic knows where i stand. i stood by her, i defended her. i stubbornly answered all those emails and friendster messages. i challenged that girl who spreaded dirty stories about melvic. i fought for melvic. i will continually fight for melvic.

my cousin jerome. based on our age difference, he can easily pass up as my son. in fact, there were several occasions in his life that i stood there as his foster father. jerome's mother has long been dead while his father has survived several heart attacks but could hardly walk and talk. i was the one who got his report cards in high school, i attended all his pta meetings, i talked to his teachers. but more than this, i have become his armor. his armor against our aunts. i was his defense, his alibi every time he'd come home late. his classmates and other batchmates have become my friends. they don't call me tito or anything. they just call me tonichi, treat each other like normal friends. yes, jerome and I have become the best of friends.

my brother 'claudine.' i am gretchen and he's claudine. we are three gays in a family and i am closest to my third brother, peter allan. people say we are lookalikes, though i must be more sosyal, very gretchen. we share so many common things, our contagious laughter sounded the same. we walk and talk the same. sometimes, we have common taste --- fashion and even boys. We share a lot of things really, passions and favorites. BUt more than those, we share one heart.

my parish priest fr. erik. years ago, while he was attending a personal spiritual retreat in Baguio, he texted me: what's wrong with me. i was thinking, what could be wrong with a priest. But Fr. Erik was not just another priest. He was sent to me by the Lord to be my gender-sensitive priest-friend. It was not easy to have a priest as a friend. But I guess, the difficulty is more on his shoulders. I was like a boulder for a burden. But Fr. Erik carried me throughout. He stood by me --- he defended me to everybody, even to his own mother. So what could be wrong with a friend like that?

full story soon. more gifts to come.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

sa aking pag-iisa

buong buhay ko, sanay akong nag-iisa.

pinanganak yata akong ganito. nung bata pa ako lagi akong nasa sulok lang. di ko naman kinakausap sarili ko. siguro kung di ako nagbabasa, naglalaro mag-isa. sabi nang nanay ko, nung baby raw ako ay puwede nga akong iwan mag-isa sa kuna. di raw ako ako iyakin at di mahilig humabol sa karga.

lumaki ako na di ako masyadong nakikipaglaro sa aking mga pinsan kahit na extended family kami sa aming compound. di pa uso nuon ang tuksong autistic. pero wala naman akong sariling mundo. although bata pa lang e malawak na imagination ko. malikhain. magaling gumawa ng kuwento. kaya mula sa pagbabasa, naging hilig ko pagsususulat. kahit anong maisipan. tungkol sa ulan. tungkol sa tatay kong di ako matanggap. tungkol sa tiyahin kong bungangera. tungkol sa alaga kong bibe.

konting laki pa, nahiligan ko ring magkuwento. di pa uso si kuya bodjie, mahilig na akong magkuwento sa mga pinsang kong uto-uto. magaling daw kasi akong mag-ingles para sa aking murang gulang kaya bilib na bilib sila. minsan nga, napapanganga pa mga pinsan ko. ewan ko kung naiitindihan nila yung binabasa ko kapag nag-sstory telling ako. ewan ko rin kung nasusundan nila pag kinukuwento ko yung nabasa kong libro o maski yung mga kuwentong sarili kong likha. basta ganun lang sila. para akong aquarium na pinapanood. kung sila talent nila e magsayaw at kumanta. ako tumula o magkuwento. weird nga raw.

pero mga tiyuhin ko tawag sa akin wiz kid. wonder kid. bading na wonder kid, wow! creative, intelligent, smart aleck. yan bansag sa akin ng tiyahin kong nasa states. sabi pa nga niya, ipe-petition niya ako run. bilin nya, lagi ko raw siyang sususulatan. magkuwento ng kung anu-ano sa sulat. kahit likhang isip-lang. pero matanda na ako ngayon, di ko pa rin naeexperience ang snow sa chicago.

isa pang tawag sa akin ay independent. di katulad ng mga pinsan ko na kailangan pang gisingin para pumasok sa paaralan. sa aking pagka-alala, nung kinder lang yata ako hinatid ng nanay ko para pumasok. pero simula grade one hanggang grade six. mag-isa akong naglalakad patungong legarda. minsan may nakakasabay pero parang mas enjoy ako pag nag-iisa.

ako lang din nag-exam at nag-enrol mag-isa nung high school. dapat nga sa manila science ako mag-aaral pero di ako pinayagan ng nanay ko kahit na kakaunti lang pumapasa dun. di siya natatakot na baka maligaw ako pagpasok. natatakot siya na baka pumunta ako sa luneta mag-isa. at baka kung saan-saan daw ako makarating. alam niya kasi na kahit nag-iisa ako, nakakalayag ako. walang takot o keber. kaya ayun, sa eskuwelahang dura lamang ay nandun na ako nag-aral. as in sa kanto lang namin ang school. pero di alam nang nanay ko, makati talaga paa ko. nakarating pa rin ako sa luneta, sa araneta, sa laguna (sumakay ako ng tren mag-isa!) at kung saan-saan pa. kahit walang kasama.

college. ayun, dami kong pinag-examan at nakapasa naman. pero sa malapit lang din ako nauwi kahit sabihin kong bumabaha dun. ok lang daw, kesa naman sa diliman o sa taft. sabi ko pumasa ako ng scholarship sa lasalle, kahit na raw, wala naman daw kaming kotse. at di raw kami sosyal. ang babaw. ngayon ko lang aaminin, frustration ko talaga yung lasalle. sayang yun.

naging scholar din naman ako sa uste, pero lahat yun mag-isa ko lang tinahak. nag-exam mag-isa, nagpa-interview ng walang kasama, nag-enrol, bumili ng gamit.... lahat ako lang. akala nga nung mga classmate ko eh, orphan ako. pero sabi ko sa kanila, ok lang ako. at talagang hindi malungkot ang childhood ko.

totoo naman, di naman malungkot mag-isa. sanay na ako. maski hanggang ngayon. lalo ngayon.

okay lang sa aking manood ng sine mag-isa. dati mga dayalog ni nora ginagaya ko, tapos si lorna, tapos si shawie, ngayon si kc na... eto, nag-iisa pa rin ako.

okay lang mag-mall mag-isa. minsan nga sagabal may kasama eh. mabagal kumilos, daming tinitingnan, daming sinusukat, di naman bumibili. e ako, pag sinukat ko e bibilhin ko na. ganun ka-impulsive. di naman ako nagmamadali basta ayoko lang nag maraming arte.

okay lang din kumain mag-isa. sa bahay, dito ko nami-miss mama ko. kasi pag breakfast nun, magkasabay kami. mga isang oras yata kaming magbreakfast, dun kasi yung litany time niya. mga dapat bayaran, mga kuwento niya sa kapitbahay namin, mga problema sa mga kapatid ko... kahit paulit-ulit, ok lang. namimiss ko mama ko pag breakfast. kasi patay na siya, kaya mag-isa lang ako sa hapag kainan. pero ikanga, sanayan lang yan. matagal at mabagal pa rin akong magbreakfast. minsan nga, nagsosolve pa ako ng sudoku. o nagsusulat ng journal.

marami akong kaibigan pero minsan feeling ko ganun pa rin. nag-iiisa.

sanay na akong naiiwan o di nasasama pag may lakad. dati, masakit pa. ngayon ok na lang. kapag may dinner o merienda o badminton o gimik na di ako nakasama o nasama, ok lang. inisip ko na lang, may mga lakad din naman akong di ko sila kasama. kasi nga, ok lang sa aking mag-isa.

nagbirthday na nga akong mag-isa eh. ganito yun, may event sa isang sikat na disco bar. e marami akong connect dun. di ako nagbayad ng entrance, libre pa ako sa drinks. at di basta-basta drinks ha. ayun, bongga birthday ko. akala ko nga malalagay pasa lifestyle section ng inquirer kasi nandun si tim yap (lumipat na siya sa star). akala mo tiska ko lahat ng nadun, akala mo bisita ko silamg lahat. i was in a big, loud crowd, but hey, i was all alone by myself.

minsan, tinanong ako kung ano biggest fear ko. ang hirap isipin pero mas mahirap palang tanggapin. paano ako pag matanda na ako? mag-isa pa rin?

sinubukan ko nang magkaroon ng partner sa buhay. pero sa una lang may magic, may spark. later on, ako na lang mag-isa uli sa gateway. ako na lang mag-isang humihiyaw ng animo lasalle! ako na lang uli mag-isa ang nagpapamasahe sa wensha. ako na lang uli mag-isa ang nag-eemote sa trinoma sabay background music nang: alone again, naturally.

yun nga siguro soundtrack ng buhay ko eh.

gusto kong tapusin ito ng quite-positive note. naisip ko lang, ang aking pag-iisa ay isang choice. wag sanang dumating ang panahon na marealize kong wala na pala akong choice.

ayoko palang mag-isa.

Friday, November 21, 2008

buhay paglilingkod ng isang bading

isinusulat ko ito sa filipino upang mas ramdam ko. ikanga, mula sa puso. sinubukan ko na itong ilagay sa multiply pero nilipad ng hangin at nawala. bale, ito ang kauna-unahang pagkakataoon na isisiwalat ko ang buhay ko bilang tagapaglingkod ni Kristo. alam kong marami sa aking mga kasamahan sa Parokya ang maaring makatisod nito at mabasa. sa kanila, i offer no apologies. ay, inles. sige, taglish na nga lang. i will write as i feel and think. huwag kayong mag-alala dahil ito ay tungkol sa akin, at hindi tungkol sa inyo o sa kanila o kaninuman.

hindi madali sa isang bading na katulad ko na maglingkod sa Simbahan, yan ang katotohanan. kung susuriin, kahit saan naman may rejection. pero sa tinagal-tagal ko sa advertising industry kung saan cutthroat competition ang umiiral, mas marami pa ring sakit at hagupit ang aking nakamit sa mga taong-Simbahan. marami na akong kliyenteng nakaaway, marami na akong account ang nawala o natanggal, marami ng creative material ang nabaril, may mga event akong sumabit ... pero lahat ng iyon ay balewala. Kasi nga sinusukat lamang ay ang aking trabaho; sa Simbahan, buong pagkatao.

pero nais kong sabihin (at ipagmalaki) na i am not unique. hindi lamang ako ang bading na naglilingkod sa Simbahan o Parokya. Marami kami. May kilala nga ako bec organizer pa siya sa isang Parokya. Malaking responsibilidad yun at carry niya naman talaga. Maraming aktibo sa youth, sa music ministry, mayroon ding mga altar servers o mga sakristan; kailangan nga lamang ay pino sila o hindi hayag kapag nasa altar.

sadly, not all of us are openly gay in serving Christ. Nakarinig na ba kayo ng Gays for Christ? Eto yung nais ko sanang itaguyod. Kung may Singles, Couples, Youth, etc for Christ bakit hindi ang mga bading di ba? Kesa naman pilitin niyo kaming gawing straight para lang makapaglingkod kay Kristo, bakit hindi na lang kaming tulungang gawing karapat-dapat na mga bading sa paningin ng Panginoon? Sabi nga ng propesor ko nung college (pari na siya ngayon ha at hindi siya bading) HOMOSEXUALITY IS ANOTHER PERFECTION. e paano nga kaya? e marami pa ring makabagong Pariseo? sa simbahan lamang na aking pinaglililingkuran, isang batalyon sila.

yun ang pangalawa kong gustong ipunto: i am not special. hindi abnormal, special, or mental case ang isang bading. nagkataon lang na pinili ko ang daan ng paglilingkod. come to think of it, kahit sino dapat ito ang dapat tahakin: ang buhay paglilingkod. nagkataon lang din na bading ako. walang special label, walang name tag. bading. period. tagapaglingkod. period.

kahit sino, nararapat lamang makapaglingkod in his, her or whatever capacity. pero sa totoong buhay lang, hindi ito madaling tanggapin.

hindi ito kayang tanggapin ng mga tumatatandang paurong. sa aming Simbahan, maraming matatandang kahanga-hanga. mga tahimik na naglilingkod. mula pagbukas sa madaling araw hanggang sa pagsara sa Huling Misa sa gabi. dun na sila inaabutan ng dapithapon ng buhay. mga tahimik na tumanggap ng mga pananagutan na binibigay sa kanila. walang reklamo. walang satsat o pag-iimbot. sila nga yung mga nanay at lola ko na nagpapalakas ng aking loob kapag nanghihina at nanghihinawa ako sa paglilingkod. kung sila nga hindi napapadapa ng sakit o pasakit, ako pa ba ang bibigay?

pero marami rin sa aming matatandang paurong. mga nagrereyna-reynahan. mga reklamadora. mga umaastang akala mo ay pag-aari nila ang Pari at ang Simbahan. mag mahilig magtamo at manumbat. minsan nga, sinabi ko na sana maging bading mga apo nila. on second thought, binawi ko. naisip ko, karangalan ang magkaroon ng anak, kapatid o apong bading, hindi sumpa.

hindi rin kayang tanggapin ng mga machong naglilingkod na isang bading ang kukumpas sa kanila. what? those ministers and knights will take orders from a gay man? nananaginip ka ba? masakit sa akin pero sanay na ako. ilang taon na ring ganyan. ilang beses na silang nagpalit ng presidente at coordinator. nandito pa rin ako. last gay, este, man standing.

pero marami sa kanila, feeling powerful. gusto akong patalsikin. pati minutes gustong pakialaman. pati closeness ko sa mga pari, issue. wala naman akong pakialam kung ayaw nila sa akin e. okay lang din naman kung hindi nila imbitahan sa kanilang mga birthday party o binyag ng kanilang mga anak. (hindi rin naman sila kumbidado sa aking mga party, hehehe). pagod na ako sa kaka-please sa kanila. eto pa rin naman ako, ako pa rin pinili ng Kura Paroko. kahit sabihin pa nila sa Santo Papa o i-petition pa nila sa Vatican.

hindi rin kayang tanggapin ng mga mayayaman kong ka-Parokya. Kaunti lang naman mayaman sa amin, kaya kaunti lang naman yung talagang naglilingkod sa kanila. Yung iba, nagpapanggap lang na mayaman. Yung iba nagpapanggap na naglilingkod. Yung karamihan, pareho. Nagpapanggap na mayaman at naglilingkod. Pero ang totoo, nabubuhay sa favors. sa utang na loob.

Kailangan may sariling oras ng binyag, at ibang chapel. Kailangan may misa sa tapat ng bahay nila. Kailangan laging nandun ang pari sa mga okasyon nila... hay naku. Di kasi ubra sa Kura Paroko namin ang mga special favors. Dangan lamang, ako nababagsakan ng sisi at puna. Pinagbibigyan masyado itong mga dyaskeng donya-donyahan at hari-harian ng aming parokya. kailangang may reservation ang kanilang upuan sa Simbahan. kailangan lagi silang imbitado....
pero kapag hihingan mo o bibigyan ng sobre para sa mahihirap, puro reklamo. may donor fatigue daw. ano naman ba daw ito. ang lakas pa ng loob magduda at magkuwenta. at manumbat.

sabi ko nga lagi, kung ako lang ang may yaman materyal. ni kalabit, di ko gagawin sa mga taong yan. kung manukat ng pagkatao, para kang sentimo. e ni piso, pahirapan sa pagbibigay.

hanggang ngayon, isyu sa mga taong ito ang aking pagiging bading. nung isang gabi lang ako pa ang gustong scapegoat sa kanilang kapalpakan. akala yata di ako marunong sumagot. akala yata di ako marunong masaktan.

kahit batiin mo ng good morning, para lang akong hangin na nagdaan. minsan, sinita pagsusuot ko ng shorts. minsan, yung ang aking language o choice of words. gusto pa yata akong gawing robot. nakakakita na bakyo ng baklang robot? di ako yun.

sabi nga ng nanay ko nung nabubuhay pa siya, gumalang sa nakakantanda at gumalang sa nakakakatanda. Gumalang sa nakakatanda. pasalamat sila at hindi nagkulang ang nanay ko sa paalalang ito. pero sori na lang din dahil tiniruan din ako ng nanay ko na manidigan. huwag raw akong papayag na gawin o tratuhin akong basahan. baklang basahan? asa pa sila.

tatayo ako at manininidigan.

kaya pupunta na ako sa aking ikatlong punto: I AM NOT PERFECT. Tulad niyo, isa pa rin akong makasalanan. Nadadapa pa rin ako, natutukso, nagkakasala. Sa kabila ng mahigpit na pagyakap at pagmamahal ni Kristo, kumakawala pa rin ako at nagkakasala.

pero sana, walang paghuhusga. is that too much to ask for? minsan, gusto ko na rin silang hamunin na batuhin ako ng mga taong walang bahid. sa tooto lang, ang dami na rin insulto ang pinagbabato sa akin eh. gusto kong imalik sa kanila, at least ako di nandadaya sa election at tapos nagbabasa ng Salita ng Diyos. At least ako di ako kasangkapan ng malawakang plunder sa gobyerno. At least ako.... pero ayoko. ayokng matulad sa kanila. Mapaghusga.

Yes, i am a sinner. Pero mapalad ako dahil ang dami-daming pinadala si Kristo upang yakapin ako at mahalin sa kabila ng aking pagkakasala.Yes, inspite and despite of me. (Gusto ko lang i-stress, hindi ako naging makasalan dahil bading ako. naging makasalanan dahil ako ay ako. My gayness is incidental for my being a sinner).

Mapalad ako dahil may tagakapit sa akin pag hinihipan ako ng hangin. tagapigil kapag ako ay yumayabang o limilipad sa ere. minsan kasi, sa paglilingkod, ako ang sumisikat, hindi si Kristo. Bad yun. marami akong taga-baba sa lupa.

Mapalad ako dahil maraming nagmamahal sa aking sa kabila ng mga pagdududa at paghuhusga sa aking pagkatao. Kaya nga wala rin akong karapatang manghusga! Dahil ako mismo, minahal nila! Niyakap ni Kristo!

kaya eto pa rin ako. naglingkod at maglilingkod. hindi ko kakayanin ito kung wala sa Kristo sa buhay ko. At ginagawa ko ito dahil at para sa kanya.