If it were Gretchen, she would not pick a fight with an old guy. She has this fondness with older men like Joey, like Tonyboy. Mon won’t be her type but just the same, she will respect this 65-year old man with a nosy camphone.
If it were Gretchen, she would not grab that camphone. Instead, she would ask Mon to come closer, to make sure he’d capture her best angle. She would request for a retouch and proper lighting. No worries, she has a carry-all make-up kit and she actually walks around with a vanity mirror.
If it were Gretchen, she would even grant Mon an interview. She would insist she didn’t mind the lost and left out luggage. What she’s giddy about really is that the lady at the counter wore the same red lipstick Gretchen has on her Angelinajoliefied lips.
If it were Gretchen, she would not lash at, curse, or badmouth the poor ground crew of Cebu Pacific. For her, it would be a waste of time and energy. Besides, she’s too poised and elegant to be violent. Instead, she will ask for a bottle of Evian water, fill herself up then exhale. She will turn again and ask the awestruck crew, tell me, am I still beautiful after what you guys have done? Gretchen will only turn violent if you’d answer in negative.
If it were Gretchen, she would not get angry. Instead, she would just laugh at the poor ground crew. The sound of her laughter will remind you of her screeching red stiletto. And she will quip: So you left my LV and my Hermes? Mga inday at mga dong, sa inyo na iyun. Isoli nyo lang mga panty ko dun. May happy memories ako sa mga yun. And that delicious laughter again. The crew will turn red in shame, oh yes, they love those luggage --- and her memory-filled panties.
If it were Gretchen, it wouldn’t happen at all. Hello, you expect her to take that Cebu Pacific flight? Hello, you expect her to be wide awake in the wee hours of the morning to take advantage of the Cebu Pacific’s promo? Ano siya mahirap, walang pera? Ano siya, si Claudine? And yes, hello, you expect her to wait at the conveyor like ordinary mortals do? Ano siya uli si Claudine?
If it were Gretchen, she wouldn’t make people think she’s a prima donna or a diva or a spoiled brat or a bipolar bitch. She’s not. She’s a queen and she didn’t need to be angry to catch anybody’s attention.
I am glad it wasn’t me. Really.
If I were Claudine, I wouldn't pick a fight with Mon Tulfo. Not because he's a Tulfo and has gang of brothers. Not because he's a known hard-hitting columnist. Not because he's a homophobic martial arts expert. Not because he's powerful as he claims and has connections with the underworld and netherworld, the underground and the common ground. Not because he's (or used to be) friends with Atong Ang, Erap, FG and all other 'respected' men in his honor roll.
I wouldn't pick a fight with Mon Tulfo simply because he's already 65-years old. C'mon! You don't pick a fight with an old guy. Claudine should have second-guessed the headline: OLD MAN (Tulfo) MAULED BY A HAS BEEN (Claudine).
If I were Claudine, I would approach Mon Tulfo and give him a beso-beso. The pleasantries will be like this:
Claw: Tito Mon, Gosh, Praise God, you're here...you know this CebuPac, fuck them, oh my...
Mon: What happened ba? Heard so much about this darn airline company, PI nila.
Claw: You're so right, Tito (tells her story with matching tears)
Mon: Cge, I will write about this...PI nila...
Claw: Hay, Thank God! (beso-beso again with matching pasagi of her enormous boobs)
Mon: O regards to Atong
Claw: MON! marinig ka ni Raymart!
Mon: Di na kayo close? E si Jinggoy?
Claw: Parang kayo close pa ni Atong, tama na nga, bye...may prayer meeting pa kami sa bahay...write about this freaking Gokongwei, papakidnap ko kamo silang lahat, fuck this CebuPac!
If I were Claudine, I would not badmouth, curse or ridicule the ground crew of Cebu Pacific. I would not threaten anybody. I would not call Lance Gokongwei, Or Lisa, or Robina or even John (they will just ask, weh? sinong Claudine? Trillo? ) . I would not show my true colors, I would not act as prima donna or some diva, kasi hindi naman talaga. I would not let them think that I am a bipolar bitch. I would not raise a voice and spew my venom to anyone.
Oh yes, I would not wear that pair of shorts and that tight pink tank or whatever it was. Claudine should have visualized the headline: MATABANG LAOS, MUKHA NA NGANG MATRONA, NAGMAMAMALDITA PA.
If I were Claudine, I will be stoic not mad; Unfeeling Ice Queen until all those staff from Cebu Pacific melt with shame. I will be sweet like Susan Roces and whisper, you remind me of Gloria Arroyo and smile like Mona Lisa. I will not ask for a refund or damage fee, I will demand free tickets for my yayas so that they will get those bags. I will be nice and even take photos of them and say, souvenir lang, para di ko na kayo makalimutan sa buong buhay ko (sabay ngisi na parang si Selina lang sa Mula sa Puso).
If I were Claudine, I will just walk away, ask Raymart, my husband to handle the situation and go to the casino, I mean, spa to relax. Nakakakastress kayo! Dyan na kayo!
But sadly, I am not Claudine. I am Gretchen.
