Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I am 43.

Written on one of my favorite shirts: Free the 43. Actually, it's a call on behalf of the 43 Morong health workers still detained in Camp Bagong Diwa. One fine day I was wearing that shirt and have realized that I could truly relate with the message. It finally sunk on me that I am already 43, but am I free? My mind, not just the shirt, with proverbial clenched fist is yelling: Freedom!

I am 43 and I want freedom from all worries. 20 plus-plus years ago, soothsayers have predicted the end of the world in year 2000. I was young and stupid to believe so, I got naturally scared. I thought of Noah and the Great Flood: I didn't know how to swim! Later on my life, I found myself swimming amidst the deep ocean of worries. I flooded myself with all the cares and worries of the world. I was close to drowning from all the unnecessary worries when I found Jesus holding a Life Vest specially made for me. He was there saying'don't be afraid, it's Me' and encouraged to walk above the waterworld of worries. Now, I am staying afloat even a tempest or a perfect storm would come.

I am 43 and I want freedom from negativity. There were years in my life that I was a walking bitch. I doubted almost every intention, motive, aspiration. I dampened anyone's enthusiasm to be with me. I shooed people and made them shut their mouths and shoot their faces. I slammed door to anyone who knocked, turned my back to anyone who asked. In reality, it was just my defense mechanism. I bitched to cover up my shortcomings. I bitched because I myself was worthless. I bitched because I was so negative towards almost every thing. I bitched because I was wounded. It took the Great Healer to make me finally decide to be happy and remove all the clouds of negativity. Today, though it's not a clear day every day, I feel sunshine is on me with Jesus shining brightly in my heart. By the way, I have resolved to stay away from negative people (including those rumormongers and Facebook stalkers). They are 'vexations to the spirit.'

I am 43 and I want freedom from fear of love. I was afraid to love, to even show or demonstrate affection towards anyone. I was afraid to be used and abused for showing love so I just kept to myself whatever love I felt. I was afraid to be rejected that's why I never made the first step. I was afraid to be left behind so I steeled myself not to give my heart to anyone. I was afraid to cry alone. The truth is I was crying, all by myself. I was crying for all the love in the world that I didn't notice or just let pass. I was crying for the pain I inflicted to myself. No one has truly hurt me. It was just me hurting myself for deciding to be alone and left alone. I shielded myself too much that the spikes and bolts I used to cover me started to kill me. A knight in the shining armor didn't come to rescue me, He came with a cross. Jesus unburdened me and carried the cross for himself. And He did it for love. Now, I have undergone more than an open heart surgery. Jesus showed me names of all the people I loved and I still love etched in my heart, including my parents, including you my friend who may be reading this. I just hope it's never too late to love again and be loved.

They say life begins at 40. I am 43 and I am free to begin my life all over again.

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