If I were Claudine

If I were Claudine, I wouldn't pick a fight with Mon Tulfo. Not because he's a Tulfo and has gang of brothers. Not because he's a known hard-hitting columnist. Not because he's a homophobic martial arts expert. Not because he's powerful as he claims and has connections with the underworld and netherworld, the underground and the common ground. Not because he's (or used to be) friends with Atong Ang, Erap, FG and all other 'respected' men in his honor roll.  


I wouldn't pick a fight with Mon Tulfo simply because he's already 65-years old. C'mon! You don't pick a fight with an old guy. Claudine should have second-guessed the headline: OLD MAN (Tulfo) MAULED BY A HAS BEEN (Claudine). 


If I were Claudine, I would approach Mon Tulfo and give him a beso-beso. The pleasantries will be like this:


Claw: Tito Mon, Gosh, Praise God, you're here...you know this CebuPac, fuck them, oh my...


Mon: What happened ba? Heard so much about this darn airline company, PI nila.


Claw: You're so right, Tito (tells her story with matching tears)


Mon: Cge, I will write about this...PI nila...


Claw: Hay, Thank God! (beso-beso again with matching pasagi of her enormous boobs)


Mon: O regards to Atong


Claw: MON! marinig ka ni Raymart!


Mon: Di na kayo close? E si Jinggoy?


Claw: Parang kayo close pa ni Atong, tama na nga, bye...may prayer meeting pa kami sa bahay...write about this freaking Gokongwei, papakidnap ko kamo silang lahat, fuck this CebuPac!


If I were Claudine, I would not badmouth, curse or ridicule the ground crew of Cebu Pacific. I would not threaten anybody. I would not call Lance Gokongwei, Or Lisa, or Robina or even John (they will just ask, weh? sinong Claudine? Trillo? ) . I would not show my true colors, I would not act as prima donna or some diva, kasi hindi naman talaga.  I would not let them think that I am a bipolar bitch. I would not raise a voice and spew my venom to anyone. 


Oh yes, I would not wear that pair of shorts and that tight pink tank or whatever it was. Claudine should have visualized the headline: MATABANG LAOS, MUKHA NA NGANG MATRONA, NAGMAMAMALDITA PA. 


If I were Claudine, I will be stoic not mad; Unfeeling Ice Queen until all those staff from Cebu Pacific melt with shame. I will be sweet like Susan Roces and whisper, you remind me of Gloria Arroyo and smile like Mona Lisa. I will not ask for a refund or damage fee, I will demand free tickets for my yayas so that they will get those bags. I will be nice and even take photos of them and say, souvenir lang, para di ko na kayo makalimutan sa buong buhay ko (sabay ngisi na parang si Selina lang sa Mula sa Puso). 


If I were Claudine, I will just walk away, ask Raymart, my husband to handle the situation and go to the casino, I mean, spa to relax. Nakakakastress kayo! Dyan na kayo!


But sadly, I am not Claudine. I am Gretchen.