Friday, January 30, 2009

About Giving Up and Grieving for Someone who has Given Up.

i heard Mass this morning. Fr. Erik's homily posted a question to reflect on: HAVE YOU GIVEN UP ON LOVING?

Why do people give up in the first place? And why would anyone give up on love? and why would they give up on life?

Once in my life, I gave up on life. I was so silly and stupid to even contemplated on it, but yes, I attempted to end my life. I took as many pills (200 plus, my aunt worked in a pharma company) I could. But the effect on me wasn't that bad. As a matter of fact, it was a reprieve from Somebody. He made me sleep three days straight. And when I woke up, I felt relieved. like Somebody was actually hugging me all the time.

Since then, I valued life hundred times over. I still had problems, mishaps and miscalculations. But never enough to make me stupid and silly again. I won't say I was re-born. But Somebody gave more reasons to live... and love.

i have given on love a couple of times already. when i know it's going to be a long, winding, dirt road, i take a quick u-turn. when i know it's going to be endless, useless battle between love for someone vs. love for yourself, i will walk out and rather be alone.

that's so me, i'd rather be alone. i was so afraid to invest on emotions. i was so proud to get hurt. no one can make me bleed. i rather hurt myself than be hurt by someone i love or loved.

indeed, it was so easy for me to give up on romantic love. it was easy for me to give up pursuing a relationship. just when we have began discovering and exploring each other, i was already on exit door. i find it weird, squeamish to be in love for too long.

and talking about giving up, by twist of fate, someone has given up on me. i was beaten to the draw. that someone has given up chasing, playing around, and hoping.

the famous last words will be forever etched: someday, you will be alone; furious about letting go a what-could-be one great, true love.

ouch. i am alone and furious.

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