Never Give Up

Like the universe connived or like the heavens sent some angels.

Sunday I was walking aimlessly at this mall. I originally planned to watch ‘Starting Over Again’ but the long queues made me turn my back. So I just went on walking and walking, without really knowing where to go. Suddenly a guy accidentally bumped me. He was very apologetic; I didn’t notice his pearly whites or his Ateneo twang. What I noticed was what’s written on the shirt he was wearing: NEVER GIVE UP.   

I shrugged him off to gesture that it’s okay and I went on walking. Less than five minutes, I saw another guy wearing a shirt with the same print: NEVER GIVE UP; different color, different style but same message.

I told myself if I would come across another person carrying the same text on his shirt, I would believe Somebody was sending a message. Right on the dot, I came across another guy, this time the shirt has the face of a famous wrestler, but the message printed was the same: NEVER GIVE UP.

In ten minutes, while walking like a zombie, I got a message from Somebody: NEVER GIVE UP.

I just thought of going home. But I remembered the reason why I was walking alone in that mall, I wanted to get away from home, it was where all my pains were coming from. Unsure, undecided, I just stood at the taxi bay. Suddenly, a cab stopped. Ridiculous but true, the name of the cab was, you guessed it right,  NEVER GIVE UP.

Home, when I turned on the TV, the first image I saw was the Milo commercial with Bea Lucero saying to a young gymnast: NEVER GIVE UP.

Ok, Lord, I got your message, loudly and clearly.

I am not giving up.

Guy Crushes

And so I was asked, who are my guy crushes? In this age of social network, of angry and flappy birds, of selfies and foodporn --- having a guy crush is like a status. It could be gone or get flooded in 10 seconds. You post-it to your mind but then again, you can forget about it. Then you will see the guy again, you'd remember, ah I got a crush on you, pare. 

So for being so game --- and so gay (as if you don't know that already) --- I will tell the whole social network who are my guy crushes. Here goes. No names, just images. And from here you'd see why I ogle.

A little game: The person who can tell the names of the guys below will get a pizza. (Not lower than five names, some are easy; the one with most number of correct names wins).

Guy-Crush

Is it normal for a man to admire another man? Yes. The operative word is admire; you admire a hero, you idolize a basketball player, you look up to an elder. So, it’s normal. Is it normal to get attracted to another man? Now that’s a different story. Attraction already involves emotions, bordering on desire, on the threshold of sexual knowledge.  Attraction, by law of science, is for unlike poles. But science by itself evolves; so with the state of man. Even the meaning of attraction may have changed; yet, feelings are still involved. Is it normal? Yes, a straight man can feel a degree of attraction to another man.

We call it a guy-crush.  You feel for a certain guy but it does not necessarily mean you want to bed him. You like his ripped abs, but it does not come to a point that you masturbate thinking of his abs. You are fascinated how he dresses but you don’t really get a hard on when he passes by. Dude, it is just a crush. Like what you had when you were in high school; yes, those things that brought pimples to your nose. Every guy, whether they admit or not, has that: a guy-crush.

Having a guy crush does not make you gay. Well, as long as you don’t really get wet dreams over him, the gaydar won’t alarm on you. A guy crush is someone you call Bro or Pre at the gym, but deep inside, you want to be like him. That’s okay. To be like him is far different from To be with him. A guy crush can make you smile when he approaches you to say hi. That’s perfectly alright, as long as you don’t get tickled pink by the gesture. But come to think of it, men don’t come to say hi or hello. So be careful, your guy crush might be the one who’s gay.

In order not to be mistaken that you are gay, make sure you follow some little rules on having a guy crush.

1. Do Not Stare at your Guy Crush. Unless you are having a direct, face to face to conversation with him, it would be foolish to gawk at him even from afar. Do not look at him for more than 0.5 seconds. More than that is already ogling, worse, salivating.

2. Stop sending those PMs on FB, stop liking all his IG posts; in other words, do not cyber-stalk him. Only perverts do that.

3.  Don’t Copycat Him. It’s just a crush, dude, stop acting like a Kim Chui fan. Don’t go to the barber shop and say, I want a Jake Cuenca haircut (I actually overheard someone said that). Don't copy his style, have your own.

4. Do Not Ask for His Number. Excuses like you’re an agent or something, that you are a talent scout, that you have this project. C’mon. Hayaan nyo na lang ang mga beki gumawa ng mga ganyan para-paraaan.

5. Do Not Invite Him for a Couple of Beers. Unless you’re really friends, what’s your agenda? Get him know better? Tandaan, ang baklang may balak, nagpapainom ng alak. So don’t. Unless, you’re ready to slip a secret that you are closeted.

6. Do Not Follow Him at the Sauna. You cannot tame something that naturally protrudes if stimulated, so be careful. It will be a very stiff and awkward situation.

7. If You Happen to be Friends with Him, Act Natural. Just don’t pinch his butt or his cheek. And please, do not call him Idol.

8.  Do Not Tell Him, or anybody. It’s not that you want to keep a secret sacred; it’s just something you don’t really talk about. Can you actually say this: pare crush kita, alam mo ba?

9. Do Not Expect Anything in Return. If you imagine yourself having a mutual admiration pact with him, it’s official, you’re so gay. Do not expect him to be nice to you; do not expect him to be friends with you; do not expect him to have a crush on you, too. If you do, bakla ka nga.

10. Lastly, a crush is a crush is a crush. Remember how you crashed a crush when you were in high school? You just squirted those pimples and that crush is gone. Meaning, it is fleeting. So, chill. You are not gay. Say it again. You are not gay. (If you are having lump on your throat saying this, then you are gay.)

Remember, this is just a guy-crush and you’re not being a quarter of an inch gay about it. If you’re secure about your masculinity, you would agree, it’s pretty normal. Just stick with the rules, ok?

Keeping the Faith

My aunt went to a university run by priests when she was in college. I was still in grade school that time. She almost always tagged me along wherever she went, to watch UAAP, to see a movie with her secret boyfriend, to have Halo-Halo in Little Quiapo --- almost everywhere --- including going to Church. One Sunday while waiting for her at our doorsteps, she peeked at the window and called me. Hindi na ako magsisimba. Maski kailan. I wondered why. Later I learned her secret boyfriend was molested by a priest, and that was her reason why she decided to stop hearing Masses. Since then, I went alone. But that didn’t take long really as one Saturday evening she asked me to wait for her the next day as she’d join me to attend Sunday Mass. Over Halo-halo I asked her after Mass why she decided to come back to the fold. ‘I am keeping the faith, no man, not even a priest, can destroy that.’

Years ago, I have a friend who shared to me that she was molested by a certain Bishop. I didn’t believe her; I just listened to her story which I thought was ‘wild.’ She told me it happened right at the office of the esteemed prelate. I wondered why she didn’t file a complaint. She said the man of cloth was powerful; any man of cloth is powerful. We went on with our lives and she seemed to have recovered of whatever trauma the abuse caused her. As promised, her secret which I didn’t really believe was safe with me. After several years, the Bishop was on newspapers, being accused by his office worker of sexual abuse. My friend called it justice finally served. I asked her over Mocha Frappe in Starbucks how come she didn’t renounce her faith for what has happened to her. ‘I am forever Catholic, no man, not even a bishop, can make me leave my faith.’

Perhaps, you have read or heard scandals about priests. Some swept under the rags, some talked about in hush-hush.  Some landed on papers, worse, some were on TV. Some of the priests involved we may personally know, some stories have actually happened around us. But still, we are staying on. We are keeping the faith.

I have friends who are priests or soon to be priests. Some of their priest-friends or colleagues have become my friends too and somehow, I have gone into their inner circle. But don’t expect me to know a lot of stories about them. I don’t know any scandals involving my priest-friends. I may have become close to them, but still, the high regard for them remains. I respect, love and trust my priest-friends.

There’s one priest hurting me now.  Not physically.  Spiritually. Mentally. Emotionally. He probably didn’t know the torment he has caused me. Perhaps, he is just like that, he is being himself. Yes, despite what he has done, I am the one finding a reason or an excuse for his actuations. Yes, in spite of him being himself, I still have a high regard to his faculties, to his stature as a priest.

Perhaps, after writing this, I will be alright. Blogging for me is an outlet, a therapy. Perhaps, after this, the priest won’t change or won’t even apologize. I am not going to ask for that really, but yes I can say, Father, I forgive you. Perhaps, he will stay that way and live up to his image. Perhaps, he will continue to ignore me or throw things in my presence. Perhaps, I just have to live to the fact that he’s in our parish.

One thing can only be sure: nothing will change. No man, not even a priest, can make me change my beliefs.

 I am keeping the faith.